Wimbledon's centre court cover

The iron ring has been hammered in on the top floor; the chickens have scraped the weeds from the 1metre squared sandpit; towels have been washed and draped around the house to dry; a large supermarket shop is in, and stored upstairs, and the inflatable crocodile arrived express delivery yesterday. We are ready now for the worst this summer can throw at us.

Rather than buying in sand bags or asking the local council to take pity, the chickens (led by bored bantams) have made a sterling job of clearing the sandpit and children can now be press-ganged in to filling old sacks. These will be our first line of defence. Towels (those not taken on holiday by male members of the family, all of whom are conveniently away for the comings days), can be shoved against doors, or walls, wherever the water decides to creep in first.

Should the road outside prove to be impassable (water has crept from the river on to the tarmac for two of the last three days), we can sit smugly inside, with tins of pineapple, tuna and sweetcorn to stave off the hunger pangs

The iron ring provides a mooring point at which the inflatable crocodile and pastel-coloured swimming support can be tied, in event of the need for the family to set sail. Alas, I failed to persuade a strapping teen departing on a school watersports trip, that the ancient arm-bands would do as a prop for the planned inflatables-race on said trip; and, instead, had to forfeit the blow-up aeroplane in the interest of not losing cool (his, not mine!). Thus, we have our getaway craft, although I'm wondering whether the paddling pool and its lung-busting pillowed sides might also be pressed into service. Whilst not terribly aqua-dynamic, it would double as floating storage when we throw caution to the wind (or swamp) and launch ourselves from the top floor.

I no longer look at the forecast, the celestial swamp outside tells me all I need to know - and the long-suffering septic tank confirms the worst. Wimbledon finals this weekend, I shall look with envy at the gliding roof cover; do you suppose they make them to order?